8 1 Had a brief episode earlier this evening.  Used the percussive massager and dwelt on the spts that elicited a spasm or were painful.  I wanted to bring out the demon to his fullest;  needed to get up for a while, but soon was able to go back to sleep.

7 30  Here is something interesting.  I have been largely free of the demon this day and evening.  My first reaction is, What is it? The reacted magnesium the chiro recommended, the iron Kolb prescribed, the chanting, the diet, the exercise, inviting my demons to tea, trying to abandon all hope of fruition, the prayers of someone in Russia.  I don't know.  Yet more interesting.  I have been at ease long enough to pretend that I am "cured".  But of course, the conditions of life remain the same.  I am sliding down the edge of a sharp sword edge, and I have no real control over anything.  This is not a bad place to be.  It's just the way things are.  In fact, I begin to miss my demons, to feel a little unsure without them.  I was (still am?) someone with RLS. Who am I without it?  Finally, if (when) the demon returns, does this interlude change the way I relate to him?

7 30  It's been a smooth previous night and day today.  I've been pretty occupied with getting the Librivox site up and working.  Maybe that's all it takes.

July 30.  I'm just amazed at the inevitability of it.  It's a pleasant night out, I prepare the blanket on my chaise lounge, set up the heating pad, get ready for a really pleasant lie down.  Within minutes a hollow anxiety appears in my legs, and soon one of them is twitching.  no point in lying down, so get up


So, I have pretty much exhausted the pharmaceutical solutions, spiritual solutions are out of my reach, psychological.....well, I've made some important discoveries, but their connection to this demon are tenuous or nonexistent.  Most likely, this is a condition that I just "have".  As I said earlier, "Abandon all hope of fruition"
 is my only course.  My salvation lies in acknowledging the hopelessness of the situation

7 27.  so after a relaively good night, starting at 7:00 am things have gotten progressively worse.  (now 12:45)  in spite of taking first two of each, then four, of each medd.   I'll take six of each around three, but without high hopes.

I think I've come to the truest insight yet. the demon is a self-fulfilling prophesy.  the prophesy is: things don't work out.  this is the demon that has really burrowed into the core of my being. It's what ate at my father and killed him. Abandon all hope of fruition, says Arjuna.  that's my only salvation.  Live without expectations, for now.  Advice heard a thousand times, but so difficult to enact.  I think it's the only work I have.

7 26  Took the meds and spent an easy evening, sleeping in short intervals.  Used the percussive massager on my legs and noticed that many of the tender points were now pain free.  The work of the chiro?

Also. I wonder whether I see going to sleep as a kind of abandonment of self.  That I don't want to relinquish myself.  So I tried a kind of imagery, saw myself being led to a serene. safe and inviting place by a loving person.  It may have helped.  My whole anxiety about the nighttime seems to have diminished.  Also had a great session with the chiro, where we discussed the nature of the insights I had had so far and where she told me much of her own personal history.  How fortunate I am to have a "doctor" who provides this kind of support and is willing to search for this kind of a solution.

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night. Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night. Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

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7 26  I don't know how I could have missed it for so long: sleep is death.  This accounts for the schedule of the demon's appearance.  Consider also commonplace expressions like he was dragged "kicking and screaming" to the gallows.  The Dylan Thomas poem says it with amazing clarity, and I have long loved this poem.