7 22 9:00 pm.  took a large dose of meds at 6:00.  nothing serious so far.
Listened to the beginning of Brothers Karamazov last night.  The translator (forget her name) uses the word "bufoon" to translate a word the father uses to describe himself.  Now this is not a commonly used word.  In the meeting between the father and brothers on the one hand, and the monastic elder Zosima,

the many facets of bufoonery are revealed.  It's an attempt to elicit love, it acts in accord with what others expect, helpless to resist those expectations, it is self-loathing, it is a sense of superiority cloaked in self-degredation, it is anger at others in disguise, it thrives on lying, to oneself, to others.  This,to me, is a very powerful demon.  In a way, it may be the demon who is trying to tear me apart.